Location.. Location.. Locat... o wait.. Directions! Directions! Directions!

On Friday night Zoe and myself headed off to an engagement party. To be very honest, I wasn't 100% amped to go, seeing as we were going to rock up there at 8:30pm ( the party itself was starting at 7pm). But, Zoe was very persistent that we go seeing that we had R.S.V.P weeks ago.. (and to be fair, she was right. They had catered for us and everything, it was only fair to go and show our faces).

So, I get this email at 4pm Friday afternoon saying "Please print : Directions to engagement..."
It read as follows :

Take N2 and take the Baden Powell turn off, at the top of Baden Powell take a left towards stellenbosch, at the intersection at the end of the road take a right to go towards stellies, carry on straight until u see the somerset west turn off, take a right at that turn off. Drive straight, go over the robots and you will see the estate on your right (has a black fence around it), carry on until you see the entrance of the estate. Tell security your name and that you here for the engagement party at the Lifestyle Center

Sounded easily enough.. I knew where Baden Powell Rd was, I knew where Baden Powell takes a right towards Stellenbosch. Hey! Was this the easiest directions I had ever received or what!

How the directions read...

Boy was I wrong!!

How it went down :


It's 7:45, we are running a bit late, but it is all good.. We already going to be late, so an extra 5mins won't hurt anyone. In the car we get and off we go heading for the N2.

While driving along the N2 I double check the directions just to make sure I know exactly where we are going. Yes! Everything is good, and we are even a little bit ahead of time.

We get to the Baden Powell turn off with 20mins spare time.. Things are going better than planned.
We follow the directions to the "t". We "carry on straight until u see the somerset west turn off, take a right at that turn off" (to be honest we messed up here, but it was all cool because you land up at the same road).  After some hooting from the locals because Zoe was supposedly driving on the wrong side of the road, we got back onto the right road..

Time to spot that black fence, in the dark! (I should have know at this point that these directions were useless)

Driving very slowly we try spot a black fence.... Suddenly we spot one, then another.. then we notice that all fences are black at night! But we were sure the next turn off would take us to our destination..

Finally! A turn off.. but it takes us to a shopping center :( No worries, on we drive for another 10mins.. Still no turn off or a "black" fence.. We decide to U-Turn and head back thinking that we might have missed something..

We drive all the way back.. Nope haven't missed anything..
By now we are 20mins late.. It is 8:50pm and I haven't eaten since 12 that afternoon...

We decide to try one more time, but this time we drive quite a bit further hoping that maybe the directions forgot to mention the 10km's between the robot and the turn off.. Still nothing.

We decide the next step is to ask some locals... We try asking some local car guards and estate guards, neither of them can even pronounce the place's name, let alone tell me where the hell it is..

So out comes the cellphone and I get to speak to one of the guests there who seems to be a bit confused about our where abouts but gives us directions all the same..

It turns out that we weren't meant to drive Baden Powell out, nope we were only meant to drive it to the intersection and take the next road that got us onto another road that would get us onto the R44 turn off. (yeah, I know.. I should have hung up sooner..)

Next set of directions!

We try follow the directions with great haste (by now it is almost 9:40. We have been driving around for almost 1.5 hrs and I'm really getting hungry!)

To our dissapointment we land up in the middle of wine farm land with no bladdy idea where we are.. We get to a set of robots and take a right hoping to spot a black fence.. Nothing.... Gah..at this point Zoe was so miserable that she just decided to call it a night and drive home..

But first! A stop at a BP for some awesome chips, milo and a pie... (or so I thought!)

1) The Milo was off..

2) NEVER EVER EVER NEVER buy Rib pie.. It is the most revolting thing you will ever put in your mouth..

3) Don't take chilli sauce on your chips when the only liquid you have to wash it down with is off Milo...

Anyways... The next morning I decided to check google maps to see exactly where this place really was..

The correct directions...

How is that anywhere close to

a) The end of Baden Powell

b) On your way to stellies..

c) If you were to follow the imaginery road to somerset west, and cross over the imaginary robots. You would still never see the imaginary black fences on your right hand side because it would be on your LEFT!!

So, if you are ever going to give me directions on how to get somewhere I ask only two things.

1) That you give an actual Street Address and the NAME  of the venue we are going to .. Not some descriptive idea like "black fence with a security guard"

2) That you send me a Google Map link (google.com/maps, not that hard) or at very least send me the name of the roads I should be turning into...

O, and don't buy me any BP  Rib pies, EVER!